If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

I'll be in Calgary for the convention and the Aurora Awards this weekend (seeing as my book Napier's Bones is nominated for Best Novel, this makes sense. That, plus it's a good con). I have a minimal schedule, but if you're there and want to look me up, here's what I'm doing.

Saturday 10am - Reading in Suite 537

Saturday 11am - A Taste of the Auroras in Brentwood

Sunday 1pm - Modern Folklore in Brentwood

Sunday 4pm - The Canadian Voice in SF&F in Brentwood

In addition to these, I will apparently be receiving an Aurora pin some time on Friday night, will be attending a launch party for Blood and Water, I think on Friday night (the book has a reprint of my story "Blue Train"), a party for my publisher ChiZine on Saturday night, and of course the banquet and the awards, also on Saturday night. I have no expectations about that: the good news is that 4 of the 5 other nominees are friends of mine. The 5th is not an enemy, though, just someone I've never met.

Other than that, if you're coming and you want to find me, look for anywhere good single malt is being served.

Before I get started, let me admit up front that I am white, male, and middle-aged, and so therefore anything I say may be considered automatically suspect. In fact, I grant that the likelihood is high, but what the heck. My inability to form a coherent opinion has never stopped me in the past.

If you're unfamiliar with what happened at Readercon, there are all sorts of things popping up on the web. Me, I'll direct you to Leah Bobet's piece, which is second hand, but which does link to the original story. You can follow down that rabbit hole as much as you like, but long story short, there was a case of harassment at Readercon, it was reported, and instead of the lifetime ban mandated by convention rules, the perpetrator got off with a two year ban. (And this just in: on Twitter, the entire convention committee Board has resigned or will at the next meeting.)

I'm not a fan of one-size-fits-all punishments, but I'm also not a fan of setting the rules and then changing them midstream without, you know, first changing them.

But that's not why I'm here. Instead, I thought I'd throw out a few simple suggestions, which, if followed, might make everyone's life a little easier:

• Don't touch without permission.
• Walk away the first time you're asked or told to leave someone alone. Don't return. If you end up in the same room and absolutely need to be there, be as far removed as you can be, and don't try to make eye contact. Better yet, don't go looking for eye contact: it doesn't matter what you think she is saying with her eyes, you can rest assured that she isn't. That's just your over-active imagination, which you had better shut down right now.
• This one is key: Unless you are able to say a quick "Sorry, my mistake," as you walk away, then Don't try to apologize. The more you try to approach someone, the more they are likely to feel threatened. If you really really really need to apologize for your behavior, then I recommend that you have the concom member who has discussed this with you (a polite way of saying warned you) deliver the apology. And if you do apologize, don't use weasel words. Don't say "I'm sorry you felt threatened by me" or any similar words to not really take the blame. The best apology is "I'm sorry." Any further words should consist of nothing more than, "It was my fault, and this is the last you will hear from me." Oh, and for an added note, don't ever try to email, Tweet, or Facebook an apology. This is called stalking.
• Don't complain to people about what injustices were visited upon you. Instead, hang out with the friends you already have and don't get hung up on things. That way, you still get to have a life at the con and, even better, the other person gets to enjoy herself instead of constantly looking over her shoulder.

But wait, there's more!

Don't tell yourself that this would have all been fine if only she had correctly interpreted what you were doing and saying. because you know what? She did correctly interpret it. How she views, how she interprets things, these are all perfectly valid from her point of view. You, and everybody else, don't get to say that she is wrong. This is a contextual thing, and everybody reacts in different ways to different external stimuli, based on who they are and what their past history is. And the bad news for you is you have no idea what goes through that person's mind.

If you think a woman is doing this to you just to set you up for the fall, then you're an asshole. Really, get over yourself. I suppose that there might be a million to one chance that this might happen (not that I have done any studies, mind), but consider these odds to be every bit as real as the odds of winning the lottery. You don't ever operate under the assumption that someone is out to get you. Instead, operate under the assumption that people have good reasons for not wanting to be bothered.

On the flip side, if you feel the urge to compare a case of harassment (especially one that involved physical contact that went no further than, say, attempted hugs) to something like the Sandusky/Penn State scandal, then you're an asshole. And I wonder about your common sense, and about the legal issues you or the blogger who hosted your comment might run into.

Also, if you claim online that if this can even happen to an author, then however are we going to feel safe, then you're an asshole. Because you know what? It doesn't matter if you're an author or a fan, so get over yourself.

All that said, I hope that conventions with policies in place look at why they might have nothing but lifetime bans, and whether or not these can be adjusted in advance of more of this shit happening. I also hope that if they do so they do it in consultation with the people who would be most affected by these decisions.

A final point for the males reading this. While not all women react the same way, you need to know that they have reasons for reacting as they do. We males can appear to be threatening in what we assume to be the most innocent of circumstances. For instance (and I have been teaching this one to my sons), I know that walking down a side path when you and an approaching woman are the only two people in sight can be a threatening moment for the woman. If I can't step away, I at least make brief (and hopefully reassuring) eye contact and then make sure I turn my shoulders away from her as we pass. It's a small thing, probably not worth much, but we need to acknowledge that there are men out there who give women cause for fear, and we need to do what we can to lower that threat level.

What we don't need to do is question it. As a friend says, It is what it is.